Not the Life I Want to Live

As I woke at 1am this morning I let out a groan. First thoughts forming in mind was about all the things left undone because I fell asleep. The work I brought home to finish. Not finished. The stacks of paper I needed to organize. Not finished. The small pile of stained clothing from my son’s morning accident to be washed out. Not finished. Many things I had planned and hoped to finish this weekend no where near finished. I feel like my life is just one unfinished thing after another. This isn’t how I planned my life would be.

• I didn’t plan on being a single mother
• I didn’t plan on being a single full-time working mother
• I didn’t plan on having a job that is starting to make me unhappy with it’s unrealistic and demanding requirements

• I didn’t plan on being a single mother
• I didn’t plan on having a son
• I didn’t plan on dealing with potty training that’s taking a upsetting turn because a penis is different then a vagina and I have no clue how those things work!

• I didn’t plan on being a single mother
• I didn’t plan on constantly cooking, cleaning, and trying to manage a life for this little person I gave birth to.
• I didn’t plan on having this little person following me around demanding things as I try to cook, clean and manage their life

I didn’t plan a lot of things but this is life. No matter what you plan or didn’t plan you still have to life right? And this is where I’m starting to get upset. I’m not living the life I want. Constantly having to deal with short and demanding job deadline is starting to be major stress. I can’t relax in the evening and weekends because my mind is back at the office.

An office filled with either single childless people or parents with live in nannies who do all the parenting for them. I have no nanny. To be honest I don’t want one either. I want to parent my son. I want to be the one doing the bath and bed routine. I don’t want to trade that time to someone else because I had to take work home.

I also don’t want to live in an area where I worry about paying the rent. My lease will end soon and I know the increase will come. If I want to live in Harlem I need to pay. But frankly it’s not worth it. The Harlem of my childhood is gone. This Harlem is filled with Starbucks, Cafe’s and white people giving me looks while walking their dog. That shit irritates me. I was here long before Harlem became trendy for white folks and their little doggies. I don’t like the attitude the Harlem area is getting

Speaking of attitudes…I’m really over dealing with other peoples. Like seriously. I need a break. I don’t have the patience to deal with some people. For the past year I had to bite my tongue while grinning and bearing some bullshit just for the sake of connections. But I have a real life not focused on dealing with other people and I need to bring myself back to it.

Now I’m sitting here at 3am with a pile of invoices from work that didn’t get done, clothes I now need to soak and wash out, and my life scattered in various piles of mail and paper in the kitchen. As I listen to my son breathing, I think I wanted better for him. Shit, I wanted better for myself. This is not how I planned my life, his life, our life. I need a new plan.

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Focusing on what is important

As I get ready for the New Year, I once again try and take stock of my life and activities. It’s always a disappointing process. No matter how focus I start out at one point somewhere along the line I get distracted with non essentials.

One thing I recently got distracted with was media events. I use to get all upset when I saw someone was invited to something and I wasn’t. It would bug me that I was filling my blog with media events coverage and products reviews but still had to beg and borrow for the cooler high profile media event. Meanwhile other bloggers hardly wrote about anything and got all the cool invites. Ugh.

One day I just decided to stop caring. Really what importance did these invites have in my REAL life? Going to these events took time and energy I was already low on. Then after I went to the event…what? How did my life change for the better? How did attending those event help my personal and community goals? The answer…none

Once I started looking at things this way I felt better and was happy to see I wasn’t invite to some events. That meant my time was mine to do whatever I wanted.

I miss doing whatever I wanted. These days I’m a tangle ball of frustration. It’s not a good place to be. I put my sense of importance in all the wrong places coming down to the end of this year. Ironic is that I did the same thing last year also. At the start of this year I swore to be more selfish. I started out great and felt freed. But as things go when you’re walking a path of positivity something always steps in front of you along the path.

How frustrating to admit that I allowed myself…once again…to be distracted from where I was going. Now I’m not where I’m suppose to be in life…again…and in a state of frustration and unhappiness….again.

So, again, I refocus on the things and goals that’s important to me. While I feel like a hamster stuck on a wheel, I have to keep trying to refocus. I can’t settle for the place I’m currently in while my minds eyes sees another place I belong. Gotta keep following my mental visions

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Failing Myself Everyday

I keep trying. Everyday I say I’ll start new, this day will be better, I’ll get it all done. Yet I don’t. Everyday I fail. It kills me to not succeed. It’s not my plan, it’s not my hope, it’s not me.

But there’s the problem. I have always know where the problem is. It’s not me. I fail myself because I don’t allow myself to be.

I’m constantly trying to be someone else. It never works. I know it wont but I try anyway on the hope that somehow, somewhere…it might. Which is a joke. It might? I stress over a “might”? Who does things on a “might”?! More to the point who does things when they know it will never work?

When did I stop loving me? When did I stop putting me first? When did I fold to peer pressure? I ask myself everyday as I watch myself fail at trying to do what I think I should.

Why do I still try? I hate it. I really do. And in turn I’m starting to hate myself. Hating myself for still doing, still trying, still holding on.

Yesterday was the worst. I felt it. I hated typing every word, editing every photo. I hated the requirement that always hangs over me with each project, each email request, each live meet and greet. I hate that I still say…yes I’ll do it… when I know I’ll fail in the end.

And I fail because I don’t want to succeed. I don’t want that success. I never did. I never did. I’ve lost sight of what I do want. I no longer feel the joy in typing out thoughts or in sharing an experience. I’ no longer feel joy.

The loss of joy is my greatest failure…..

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Am I Ready to Date Normal After 3 Years?

For the past 3 years or so I’ve been having a back and forth about dating with this guy. We started the process but a uncomfortable phone call killed any hopes of meeting in real life. He said I was old since I was over 25. Urgh! But once in a while now we trade 1 or 2 emails before continuing with our lives. Things just didn’t click for either of us. Besides I never forgive him for the old comment.

Fast forward and a chance spam email bring us back to step one. This time he feels we should give it a real shot. His argument? We should at least meet in real life and see. After all we didn’t give it a chance.

After seeking advice from my community, who I really shouldn’t ask for dating advice regarding asian men, cause they’re bias!, I decide why not, nothing to lose. So we plan for a lunch date.

Well, that lunch date changed into a dinner date. I wasn’t happy when he mentioned meeting me in the evening. I’d have my son with me and meeting like that was NOT the plan. But I figure it would only be for a few minutes and then we can move on with our lives.

You’d think I’d learn by now that nothing is ever as simple as I think. We meet and walk around a bit and then agree to have dinner. He headed over to Harlem BBQ which is nice and empty with high chairs. The date itself is fine. He’s nice and engaging. He not weird around my son. It’s like we’ve been hanging out for years. No issues there…at least not for him.

But there’s some issues popping up for me. First issue is his Asianess. He’s an adopted Korean like my son’s father. But unlike my son’s father it’s not an issue for him. He’s made peace with it. But the similarity AND the difference to my son’s father is bugging me.

Second issue is his interest in me. It’s not creepy or anything. It’s just normal attraction. He tells me I’m attractive, he’s enjoying my company, etc, etc. But after being shut down for 2 years it’s not so easy for me to hear and process that type of interest. And that whole conversation about how he hates dating and would rather just meet someone and be serious….I nearly fainted.

Third issue is his interest in my son. Someone bonding with my son is a big issue and one I wanted to avoid for as long as possible. I dont want to hurt someone if things don’t work out with us. It goes without saying that I don’t want my son hurt either. So far my son’s only concern is can he get more corn bread!

As we pose for the photo, the waitress says “But the baby isn’t in the photo”. I said it’s fine and told her to take the photo. I thought to myself, “lady I did it that way on purpose, this guy isn’t my baby daddy”.

Which is something else. No matter where we went from the train ride, to walking down the street, to sitting in the restaurant….no one acted weird, no bad comments, no weird looks, nothing. Did I mention we are in Harlem sitting in a black restaurant?

If anything everyone gushed at my son and how cute he is. Everyone acted like it was normal for an asian guy to walk around with a black women and blasian child. In a way it is normal. But the question is will it become the norm for this asian guy and this black girl with her blasian baby.

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Going on a First Date as a Mom

Finally I got up the nerve to go out on a date…with a guy…who’s older then 2yrs old…and not Asian of some sort. I confess it wasn’t an original first date since I sorta casually dated him about 5yrs ago. While I enjoyed his company, his workaholic tendencies didn’t mesh well with my more relaxed views on life. Not to mention we butted heads a couple of time over who’d have the dominate personality. Still we persisted in keeping in touch and sharing life’s updates.

During our last update, we shared how our lives have changed over the years and who we are now as “adults”. He was excited I was doing the mommy thing and I was curious if he was still on a ego trip about being some big time furniture maker. So we planned a date. We met for breakfast at Clinton Street Baking , which is a cute little place. But I suggest you get there early since it’s very popular.

We shared a meal, which I thought was cute, and then mini updates. He told me about his current projects, what happened with his last girlfriend, how he’s rediscovering his Jewish heritage and most important how he’s grown as a person.

The maturity conversation was interesting. We both came to the same views about what’s important as we get older in life. As usual we talked up a storm but still had more to say. We decided to just continued the re-date with a neighborhood walk.

We made a stop at the Essex Street Market and discovered BouBouki and enjoyed some freshly made baklava. It was not too sweet and so good. Then we wandered over the Whole Foods to look for a product I needed for a blog review. Didn’t find it but had fun shopping as a “couple” linked arm to arm.

Then we went back to his place to share a beer and just enjoy the last moments before we wrapped up the date. And there is where things got interesting.

We started a couple of deep convos but two in particular was key. The first one was about white privilege and black anger. He’s dated out his race and admits that IR dating comes with some issues that people need to be real about. I wont tell you what he said about Seinfeld and white people but I nearly spilled my beer laughing so hard.

The other conversation highlighted who we’d settle down for versus with. We both agreed that we feel in the end we’d “settle” for someone plain who fits the status quote. For me it’s about stability for my son, for him it’s about making an “easy” relationship.

Sorta there for me it was clear we weren’t serious dating material. So I just enjoyed the rest of my time with him for what it was at that moment. Kisses! It was a nice opening start to dating again as a mom. Lets see how I do with the next date.

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