My Birthday Non-Celebration

Today’s my birthday. I’ve gotten the birthday phone calls, facebooks comments, text messages and even cake from my coworkers. They wanted to hold an office party but I was hard set against it. Doing the whole celebration thing isn’t where I am at this stage in my life. Yes, I’m excited to have another year of life and hope many more but I don’t need a party. What I need is some peace and quiet.

So I took off the day to just have my day to myself. Or at least that was the idea. As things go I had to cover a blog event. Since it was a Disney announcing something new and exciting, I couldn’t miss that. At the event I took a photo with Dumbo and then received Mickey Mouse ears.

After that I took a break to just sit before dashing off to get my son. We headed uptown for an Origami class and to interview the people behind Bit’z Kids. A very interesting discussion started about half-asian children. That will be posted over on Euphora Luv.

From there we dashed across town to the Korea Society to meet 2 of the Directors of movies being shown at the New York Korean Film Festival. While it’s an adult event no one seemed to mind having a child in the room. LOL. The directors didn’t mind posing with me and Daniel either during our interview. During our interview Director Boo Ji-Young and I talk a bit about our kids since she has 2 daughters.

After that I had a very tired toddler on my hands and I was ready to get that peace and quiet I wanted. Arriving back home I settled my son into bed and sat in my corner to breathe.

As I sat there and kept time with the beating of my heart, I was grateful for my day. I did the things that made me feel good and happy. I didn’t need a party, I didn’t need lots of gifts,  I really didn’t need to be with friends and family. I just needed my day to be about me and the things I wanted to enjoy.

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Frustration with the Early Intervention Programs

Sheer anger and frustration is pushing me to write a blog at 8am in the morning. If I don’t find any outlet for my feeling I’ll implode! For months now I’ve been going through the process of getting my son services for his speech delay. While you’d think things would go smoothly I will scream it from the roof tops that things have been a issue from first day.

First I had to deal with intake coordinators who didn’t know what they were doing. Then I had to deal with service center staff who went on vacation when they were suppose to be providing services.

Now that last straw to break my camel back is the case coordinator who has gone MIA when he’s suppose to be helping me. I’ve email him, called him and been very patient but today as I watched my son react in frustration due to not knowing how to tell me something, I reached my point with this early intervention system.

I’m trying the best I can at home to encourage my son to talk but I need help. That’s the the reason why I contacted the early intervention program. To help me help my son. but we’re not getting the help!

I called the case coordinator and told him I had enough. I’m ready to make a compliant about services St. Mary’s Hospital for Children claims to provide. Yes I’m naming names and going over his head. Then I called the Bureau of Early Intervention at NYS Dept of Health in Albany to see who I should contact. I was surprised someone answered the phone. It’s 8am in the morning! I explained my issue and asked who to make the complaint with. I was given a name and transferred. I left a detail message and you bet I will be following up with that person.

Honestly I don’t have the extra time or emotional energy to start this length process but I will have to find it. How heartless of these people to fck around when it comes to helping a child. Don’t think they think about how their actions is affecting a child’s life? Well I’m going to make them think about it!

Update: OMG. I just got off the phone with the person I left a message for. I explained everything to her and worked out a plan of action for me to take. First start, writing a form letter of complaint. I think you know I got the writing a complaint part covered. LOL.

Second she’s going to contact the Director of Consumer Affairs in my area, explain the situation and ask her to follow up with me about the lack of services being provided by these centers. She will also help me find new centers to help my son. Woot! I feel much better that I was able to be the voice for me son while he’s still learning to find his.

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The Tiger Rises within the Libra’s Shadow

Today is the first day of September, a month that starts the influence of my zodiac sign of Libra. My official birth date isn’t till the 23 of the month but I can already feel my spiritual element of Air surging in strength. I can also feel the strength of something else. A Tiger stirs within me. This is the year of the Tiger according to the Asian lunar calendar. It just happens that the Tiger is my Chinese sign.

But the Tiger within me is no ordinary Tiger. This Tiger has a duality of symbolism. While she’s the Tiger of the Chinese calendar she’s also a Tiger of the Korean culture. Both forms of Tigers are already trouble but adding the influence of Air while under the Libra’s shadow of power…Hmm.

The Element of Air is principally concerned with movement and the communication of ideas. Those who fall under its jurisdiction are restless individuals who hunger constantly for new concepts and notions.

So what will happen with me this month? I’m not sure. This year has already brought some interesting experiences. But I confess I sense it’s nothing compared to what the rest of this year will bring. I also confess I’m a bit scared. Even though this is my year and I’ve heard the roar of my inner Tiger calling me to action. I’ve held her back. Yes I have. Many situations that needed/sought/demanded a Tiger like personality have challenged me to channel her. But I’ve been afraid of the power of her and where she’ll take me in that moment, in life, within myself.

But the universe only tolerates my fears for so long when it blocks the plans it has for me. So as we go into the influence of my sign I know…I know…the Tiger rises within me and the universe clears a path for her. My voice will become her voice as we roar in unison.

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High School Reunion: Wordless Wednesday

This weekend was my high school 20th year reunion. Of course I didn’t go. That didn’t stop some of my old friends from tracking me down so we can hang out. I confess it was nice to catch up 20 years later

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I’m Tired of Cleaning

Once again I’m standing in the middle of the room, looking around at the disarray my son and his playful energy has left me to clean up. I sigh. I’m so tired of cleaning up. I really am. I’ve done more cleaning up within the past year then in most my life. Did I mention I’m tired of it?

The issue isn’t the actual cleaning itself, which can be annoying, no the issue is with the frequency of cleaning. Everyday I start off cleaning only to end my day also cleaning. On the weekends it’s an all day process if I stay inside with my son. Otherwise it’s a process after my son goes to sleep.

I just can’t leave the clutter of toys, clothes and whatever else my son wanted to throw on the floor. Yes, visually it bugs me, but it’s more about not having to step on a toy car one more time….I just can’t…so I clean. But now its getting a bit out of hand.

I swear it’s great fun to my son to wait till I’m making up the bed to climb all over it and pull the sheets out. He does it every time. What bugs me is that he only does it to my bed and not his own. Nope. His bed stays nice and clean. My bed gets cookie crumbs, juice stains and little dirty feet jumping on it. Still, today I realized that I’m tired of cleaning up.

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Judgmental Me

I find that I’m quick to judge other people in certain ways. I’m always disappointed when people don’t live up to the potential I see in them. Key words…I see in them.

I was recently talking to a mom friend about another blogging mom. I express how I felt this other mom wasn’t “deep” that the things she blogged about where sorta on the empty and fluffy side. That I don’t know who she is really as a person.

Again it’s about me and what I think. It’s not about seeing that person as they really are. Why can’t I just see the reality of people and accept them? Isn’t this what I’m suppose to be training my mind and heart to do?

It’s really awful to be this way. Who am I to judge others when I don’t like people doing it to me? After all, I don’t know the real story of a person’s life. I know better then anyone that being online only gives you a glimpse of someone…never the whole picture. Maybe there’s a reason this person only share in this way. Not everyone needs to be like me always talking about the serious issues. Why can’t I let people just live how they chose to? *sigh*

I’ve been trying to change it. After rubbing a few people the wrong way with my “encouragement” for them to be a better self, I now try to keep my “commentary” about someone else’s life to myself. But still the internal judgment happens. *sigh* One step at a time I guess. Even The Buddha went through different stages before finding enlightment.

Seeking Other Coco Buddhas

My heart has been calling out for my coco Buddhist brothers and sisters. It’s been calling for a while now but I’ve been ignoring it. But always the universe has ways to make sure I listen. It started when another black Buddhist friend from myspace asked me if Im on facebook.

I wondered why since this guy and I dont really chat much anymore. It’s mostly my fault since I’ve completely entered hermit mode since becoming a mother. My whole focus has been on my son and the drama that surrounds our life. Where is the time to talk enlightenment with other walking the path?

Anyway, I added him on facebook and he sent me a link to a group he started for Buddhist women. Ah. The connection seeks me. While I did join I haven’t been active. I didn’t forget about the group. It’s on my mind all the time but again how to connect? So I continue to ignore the call in my heart.

So today I’m on twitter bullshitting and see this guy again. He was making list of people to follow. So I send him a tweet about making a list for black Buddhist. Don’t know why I did or even if he’ll reply. Like I said we really don’t speak anymore. But of course he does.

He counter suggested a list of Dharma Color. Now it’s very interesting that he did this because it’s really more what I’m looking for. I’ve grown mentally to understand that I need to be open to other minority Buddhist. We all seek support while on the path. Ah the universe knows my mind better then I.

So I wait for his list…and my heart waits for me action. Will I seek out my fellow dharma seeks of color? I feel it’s time I did…I’m lonely in the world of non-buddhist. After that what else? I wonder if I can find another buddhist mother. That cry is also within my heart…just not as loud yet.